Heather Mayone Published in Newsweek: Infidelity Desires are an Opportunity for Growth
As a therapist, I hope to create the type of relationship with my patients where they can talk about all of their feelings and fantasies, even ones they consider shameful or taboo. One urge that can be hard for people to open up about is a desire to cheat on a partner that they are in a committed relationship with.
I was recently published in a Newsweek article called, “What to Do What To Do When You Feel the Urge To Cheat, According to a Therapist”, where I talk about normalizing and making use of desires and attractions to other people.
It is only human to experience sexual attraction to other people regardless of one’s relationship status or satisfaction level. Meaning, just because you find someone else attractive does not mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. However, I consider an urge to cheat is a step past attraction, when there is contemplation that is taking place and a risk of sexual fantasies becoming a reality.
If You Don’t Want to Act on an Impulse, Out Yourself
The most important thing to do with any impulse that you don’t want to act on is to share it with someone trusted. In the case of wanting to cheat, it’s important that this trusted person also be “neutral”, meaning not your primary partner and not the person you would want to cheat with. This can be hard for some, as they may feel shame around their feelings or fear of being judged. However, keeping this desire a secret will only make the feelings feel heightened and will muddy the waters as far as what actions to take.
Outing this urge to someone trusted increases a feeling of accountability to not act on impulse. It can help to connect the person more fully with the real consequences that would come with cheating.
Being honest also helps lessen feelings of shame and alienation. It is likely that the person they are talking about this with has felt attraction to others while in a relationship, as well, or has known someone who has. Knowing that you are not the only one who has struggled with these feelings can be immensely relieving.
Getting to the Heart of Infidelity Urges
Opening up a dialogue about the desire to cheat gives room for exploration and understanding. Perhaps there is not a deep-seated root cause all of the time, but in my experience as a therapist, more often than not, there is meaning in a lingering and unshakeable desire.
For some, attraction and the excitement around a potential love affair is a welcome distraction on the long road of life. Amongst responsibilities and the inevitable lows that everyone experiences, it might feel better to fixate on the fantasy of a new sexual partner rather than stay connected to a present that feels unfulfilling or arduous.
For others, a desire to cheat points to something lacking or unaddressed in their primary relationship. An attraction to another person offers an opportunity to go head on towards an issue and bring things that need to be addressed above board in a constructive way.
There are also particularly meaningful instances of near infidelity that I have been through with my patients where we find that the quality that they are finding so irresistible in this other person is actually something that has historical meaning. For example, perhaps this other person is seeing them and valuing them in a way that their own family of origin did not. This offers our therapy an opportunity to move towards and address important things that the person did not receive and help them receive it in the form of reparenting and mourning in our therapy.
In all of these examples, an urge to cheat can be used as a catalyst for the person to enrich their lives and understand more deeply what is missing. We can’t control our feelings but we can control our actions and also seek to understand what deeper things are at the root of what we feel.
