Getting Back to Believing the Best in Your Partner
By the time couples make it into my Manhattan therapy office, many of them have been through the ringer. For some, layers of hurt and resentment have built up over a period of many years. This makes it hard to locate the original love and connection that brought folks together to begin with.
I have a few jobs as a couples therapist. It’s my job to get to the heart of what the issues are and what dynamics are not serving the dyad. Additionally, it’s essential for me to highlight strengths of the couple and positive and hopeful areas. They need to locate their strengths and reconnect to a love that is faded or lost in order to have the motivation to do the hard work and fight for the relationship.
Identifying Love Offers
One thing I look out for in the “strengths” category is what I call “offers”. Originating in theater methodology, an offer is anything an actor does or says that can be used to move the scene forward. In improv especially, it is important to “accept” and make use of all offers, even if they are illogical (i.e. someone handing you a banana and telling you it’s a phone), to keep the scene going.
In relationships, an “offer” is anything, big or small, that is a gesture of good faith with the intention of keeping the relationship going.
Helping Couples See Offers from Their Partners
With any couple, sometimes there is some “translating” that needs to happen with offers. I don’t overly prescribe to the concept of love languages but it is true that people show their love in different ways and also have preferences in how love is shown to them.
For example, if one partner enjoys showing affection through actions and their partner is oriented somewhat differently (i.e. connecting more through touch), it may need to be pointed out explicitly, “hey, when I do x, I’m showing you I love you”. This can open up some beautiful conversations, including, if you would like your partner to express their love to you in a specific way, requesting that.
Sometimes It Hurts Too Much To See Love
When a couple is not in a good place, it can be even more challenging to see and make use of the offers present. When one is feeling hurt by their partner, it’s hard to be generous towards them (make offers) and to believe that generosity is coming their way (see offers). I often see offers dismissed as actions that were done out of a sense of responsibility or guilt, for example, rather than out of love.
When a lot of hurt and resentment has built up, our hearts can become hardened in an effort to protect ourselves. However, for couples in dire straits, appreciating the offers of love that are present in the relationship may be the last hope to save the relationship.
Naming Intention Can Help Shine a Light on Love
In hard times, it is especially important to have the offers present in the relationship spelled out explicitly. Tone and intention is very important in these conversations, as there is a world in which “I am doing this because I love you” can be delivered with some snark behind it. However, with earnestness and vulnerability, saying to your partner, “when I did x, I had you front of mind”, can be very impactful. Leading with generosity and care has the opportunity to break a couple out of a pattern of believing the worst in each other and offers a springboard for a way forward.
