Adult Child Estrangement- When is the Right Move to Cut Family Off?
When a patient is considering ending a problematic relationship, we often come to a point in our therapy where we explore the idea of “leaving no stone unturned”. Meaning, ending a relationship fully is a big deal, whether it be a friendship, romantic, or business relationship. People feel the best in their process when they feel like they have exhausted every option before ending things.
When it comes to an adult child playing with the idea of ending a relationship with family or parents, this ups the ante. We are biologically programmed to be attached to our family. Some adult children don’t even realize that breaking contact with family, especially parents, is an option, as it feels so unfathomable.
What Do Children Owe Their Parents?
The parent-child dynamic carries unique characteristics different from other relationships, including that the relationship is one sided. Most simply put, a parents job is to nurture and guide a child into adulthood and to expect nothing in return. Parents certainly get plenty from their children, including love, enjoyment, and satisfaction, but a child doesn’t owe anything to a parent in a literal sense.
Many children feel like they owe their parents something, and for understandable reasons. As a child grows up and becomes more aware of their parents as real life humans, they are able to take in and appreciate further the work that the parents put into raising them. Many children want their parents in their lives, even as they themselves become adults and get busy. As a parent myself, I hope to create the type of relationship with my son where he enjoys my presence and finds our relationship wholly additive to his life as he grows older.
However, what if a parent does not keep up their end of the bargain as far as their job as parent? What if the parent did not provide basic safety and security and instead created harm? What if that harm continues in the present day? What if there is a denial of that harm?
Love Should Have Conditions
A former supervisor of mine used to talk about the concept of “conditional love”. Contrasting this against the concept of unconditional love, he defined this as conditions that need to be present in a relationship in order for it to be viable and safe. When I work with couples, it feels important that breaking up be on the table. I do not want my couples to break up or have a horse in the race as far as the outcome of our treatment. However, it feels important to put all options on the table. I want the couples in treatment with me to arrive at a point in our work where they feel that they are choosing to be together, rather than remaining together because it is the default.
The same can be said with families. If we set aside for a moment the familial bond, it’s important to look honestly and plainly at the history of the relationship as well as the dynamics of the current day to take in the reality of what is happening. I do this with the goal of supporting the family members to create something constructive together, which can include a good deal of repair.
What Are Positive Indicators in Strained Family Relationships?
When there is uncertainty around family members' ability to be constructive together, there are some things that I look for as a therapist. Are all parties open to hearing other people’s perspectives? Is everyone able to take accountability for wrongdoing or even for hurting someone else’s feelings? Is there an openness to change?
I have seen families in dire situations where I still have hope for their future because there is a commitment to the process and an openness to change. In addition to the aforementioned questions, for adults who are really struggling to keep family members and/or parents in their lives, we might explore if limiting contact helps the person to get whatever good exists in the relationship while mitigating the bad. If there are no positives that come and there is no stone left unturned, the person is left with the sad reality that there may be nothing that can be done to have positivity in their relationship, at least at this point.
The Weight of The Decision To End Family Relationships
In the time of my career as a therapist, I have seen the idea of ending family relationships become less taboo and more “on the table” for patients. This by and large is a positive thing. I want to empower my patients to ask for things in all of their relationships and to have conditional love, even with the people who raised them. Family estrangement is devastating but not as devastating as an adult staying in an abusive dynamic out of shame and fear.
Arriving at a decision to cut off family members is a weighty one and, for many, is something that can take years of reflection to come to. The New York Times article, “Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy?”, poignantly explores this issue from every angle. It shows stories of people who have found freedom and empowerment in cutting loose from abusive family members. It also shares stories of parents whose adult children, in their perspective, cut contact off suddenly and without attempting to do work and repair the relationship. They blame social media and therapists as influencing their adult children to make this decision.
I am not sure what is the objective truth in the category of parents who experienced their child’s alienation from them as abrupt and unjust. Yet, this is just one of my many daily reminders of how important my role as a therapist is in people’s lives. It’s important for therapists guiding families in navigating the question of contact with an honest but neutral stance. By this I mean, we should be direct when reflecting back the dynamics we see. However, we should not put our finger on the scale. No adult child should be encouraged by a therapist “but they are your parents” in dissuading them from self protection. It is a therapist’s responsibility to name what the options are but we should not push a patient towards making a decision.
