Reducing Shame in Kids Who Need More
As a therapist in Manhattan, I have seen firsthand how easily children internalize negative messaging from their external environments. It is well documented that children who endure abuse can blame themselves with some version of that they “deserved” whatever mistreatment they received. However, even children who don’t undergo such duress in their earlier years can still take messages from their environments and interpret them in self blaming and shaming ways.
Where Would a Kid Self Blame?
Children’s propensity to self blame comes from two places. First off, children’s brains are still developing and even the brightest and most sophisticated young ones have a limited ability to process more complicated interactions. As a kid, if you are trying your best but an adult is directing frustration or disappointment at you, it might be a natural conclusion to draw that you are the problem. Additionally, children have an awareness deep down of how vulnerable they are and how much they need their parents to survive. Because of this, a child’s defenses may not allow themselves to acknowledge faults in their parents and caregivers because, unconsciously, it may simply be too scary to do so.
Some Kids Are More Prone to Negative Attention
There is no such thing as a bad kid but some kids are especially challenging to parent or teach from an adult’s perspective. One good example of this is with children who have ADHD traits**. ADHD, or Attention Deficit Disorder, is defined in the DSM V as a cluster of traits including low impulse control, trouble sitting still, and inattention/poor focus.
All kids struggle with things like impulse control to a certain extent. In fact, one could define childhood as a process of trying to figure out how to channel and manage one’s own complicated inner experience. However, when these traits are more extreme, the child may be more disruptive at home and in a classroom and can struggle to focus and follow direction.
Kids with ADHD traits are more likely to be redirected and get, no matter how patient the adult is, more negative attention from their caregivers than other kids. This makes these children more at risk for internalizing the message that they are bad- they may feel they are challenging, frustrating, and that something is wrong with them. If your teacher is redirecting you exponentially more than your classmates, you are bound to notice.
Neutral Intervention Requires an Outlet
There is a lot written already about how to best support and interact with kids who have ADHD traits, including that adults should try and remain as emotionally neutral as possible when redirecting or setting limits with a child. Children should not be sheltered from frustration so they the can learn that anger in itself is not bad, however repeated frustration directed towards them will add to the internalization that I describe above.
Neutral redirection is important but can be hard in practice, especially when the adult is not allowing themselves to acknowledge their own feelings. When a parent is struggling with their child, it can be taboo still to this day for the parent to openly express that. In my therapy work with parents, I encourage parents to be brutally honest with me about how they are feeling towards their kid and allow themselves to acknowledge moments of not liking their kid. Parenting any child is hard but some moments in parenthood and some kids are especially hard. If the parent does not have an outlet, they are more likely to blow up on their kid in a way that feels bad and shameful for both of them.
Honesty Helps Kids Feel Safe
Kids are smart. As I mention above, kids can tell when they are needing more from the adults around them than other kids. If a child ever gives you the gift of talking openly about how they notice that, you should give them space to hear them out and certainly give them reassurance. However, there may come a time where you acknowledge, when relevant, a difference. Whether it is a learning difference, like dyslexia, or an ADHD trait, like impulsivity, it can feel good and safe for an adult to acknowledge, yes, sweetie, there are some things that are different or harder for you. A child will be less likely to self blame if they understand the greater context better (i.e. why they need extra help with something) and still feel unconditional love.
Picking Your Battles is Not Weakness
It’s important for parents and teachers alike to do an honest assessment of where a kid is at in order to locate a proper expectation of them. They should be demanding of the child and relate to that child as capable of growing and being challenged. However, there may be certain basic things that need to be worked up to, like simple listening and impulse control. It’s important to be direct and clear about rules and expectations for all kids but after the fourth redirection, it may be more beneficial to let the limit go and regroup when the moment has passed, rather than to continue redirecting or get into a power struggle.
When an adult makes a conscious choice to let something go, it is not necessarily rolling over but instead could be a powerful moment of readjusting expectations and attuning to what the child needs. Oftentimes, the time after the disagreement or struggle is ripe with opportunity. When tempers are low and the guard is more down, there is always the option to do a retrospective with the child and see what can be learned for both of you.
**I use as a description “ADHD traits” rather than “ADHD” because ADHD traits can have many root causes, including anxiety and PTSD. Additionally, with diagnosis, it is always important, especially with children, to not shut down curiosity too quickly with a diagnosis.
