Physical Distance In Dating Apps Gets in the Way of Connection
In my last piece, I wrote about how the inherent distance in interactions on social media is at the heart of its adverse effects for kids and teens. The absence of close, in-person connections increases the likelihood of bullying because kids are removed from the person on the other side of the screen and the full impact of unkind behavior. Online platforms also lead kids to feel bad when they see the carefully curated lives that their peers project, rather than the more authentic “warts-and-all” lives that are actually being lived.
Adults have a parallel version of this that has been having its own backlash moment: online dating. Because of the distance that exists in online interactions, dating apps often foster a culture that is the opposite of what its stated intent is. These platforms are ripe for bad behavior and do not always allow for closeness in the way that many of their users hope.
Dating Apps Are a Great Idea!....In Theory
As a therapist in Manhattan, dating comes up in some form with all of my single patients and for many, it’s a main focus of our therapy. Many daters express an exhaustion over the process of dating and hopelessness in particular that dating apps will actually land them a quality connection. From a therapeutic point of view, there’s a lot on paper that I like about dating apps. How wonderful to be able to create a thoughtful and intentional snippet of who you are in the world and to be able to be direct and honest about what you are and are not looking for.
However, in practice, many of my patients talk about feeling easily looked over by prospective mates and like they are not being treated with true care and respect in their interactions. Even for patients who are looking for more casual encounters who invest less emotionally in the online dating process, it still doesn’t feel good to be ghosted or not treated with honesty and kindness.
The small sample size of my therapy practice seems to be more than anecdotal. I can’t look through my news feed without seeing another article talking about the increasing number of people who are leaving dating apps in droves, citing burnout and bad experiences.
Not Being In Person Leads Daters Being Overlooked
Similar to my viewpoint on the increase of bullying online for kids, when you are swiping and messaging with potential partners, there is something important lacking by not sitting across from the person and taking in their humanity and their realness. One is more likely to overlook meaningful traits or, in the same vein, focus too much on small, superficial characteristics of a profile.
Dating apps have numbers. One could literally swipe themselves into oblivion and not run out of potential matches. The illusion of an endless supply of matches and the inferred promise that your perfect match could be right around the corner makes people more careless with the folks who are currently on their screen. One is much less likely to truly take in that a real, complex, unique person is at the other side of that profile when they are passing through their 1000th photo of the day.
Not Being In Person Leading to Bad Behavior
Similar to gambling, there is a dopamine hit when one swipes right or has a match that makes us want more, which takes the human-ness out of the dating app experience and can make it feel more like a game. The distance creates more prevalence of bad behavior, most of which existed to an extent in the “before times” (such as ghosting) but to a much lesser degree. It’s easier to not feel the impact that you are having on others when they are not in front of you.
There are bad people out there that take pleasure in crossing boundaries and making others uncomfortable, but I’d like to think that they are in the extreme minority of the general population. However, it is commonplace for online daters to experience boundary crossing (such as someone continuing to reach out even after being told they are not interested) and unsolicited overtly sexual content.
Not Being In Person Leading to Misleading Profiles
There’s also the issue of false or skewed pictures and profiles. Other than a quick photo check, there is no accountability on the parts of the apps to ensure the validity of a profile. Even putting aside more extreme instances of catfishing and impersonation, on a much more average scale, it’s very easy to create a profile of who you would like to be. Daters can be short sighted in deciding to exaggerate or lie, even by omission, about things like age, employment status, and even how they look IRL.
There is something about being online that can lend itself to the idea of fantasy and the impact and potential future consequence of a lie can be easily overlooked. For the average bear, it’s harder to lie in person, both in a literal sense (i.e. you can’t lie about your height when you are standing face to face with someone) and emotionally.
Is all Lost with Online Dating?
The what-to-do with the problems inherent in dating apps really varies person to person. For those looking for a long-term relationship, it does seem like the higher paid apps (i.e. match.com) have less of the aforementioned problems, as the users are bringing more seriousness to the interactions. For others, taking a break from dating apps or limiting the use can be helpful.
What feels most important to stress is that whether a dater abandons dating apps completely or not, we need to not lose sight of the importance of in person interactions. Nothing replicates the connection that takes place when you are sitting across from someone else in-person.
As one moves throughout the world, ideally they are keeping their head out of their phone and acting in a thoughtful and intentional way that shows an openness to connecting. This is probably a good practice for everyone, not just those who are looking for potential mates. See interactions, big or small, with others as offering potential to connect and wear your openness on your sleeve and this is bound to open up connections where you otherwise might have overlooked the opportunity.
