Giving Your Kids Better, Part 2: Normalizing “Mistakes” and Self-Compassion

A big part of parenting is trial and error. No two children are the same, no two parents are the same, and perhaps most importantly, no two child-parent combinations are the same. Being open to failing and to reflecting on what might not be working are essential ingredients in parenting. However, stuck moments in parenting can feel catastrophic for someone who did not have a good role model for parenting growing up and who did not experience firsthand what they are trying to give. 

It’s important that the parents in this category get the proper support in order to examine what is being kicked up for them as they raise their own kids. Exploring these feelings helps the parent locate what has not yet been resolved in their own journey to healing. Additionally, parsing out which of these feelings are “old” and which are relevant to the task at hand frees these parents to enjoy child rearing more and to give themselves credit for all that they are giving to their kids. 

If Parenting Feels Hard, You are Doing it Right

Parenting is hard. Every parent has moments, many, many moments, of feeling lost, confused, and frustrated. However, for parents who did not experience good enough parenting growing up, they may interpret the feeling of being lost or frustrated as a signal that something is wrong. 

One high level way to define trauma is that it impacts one’s ability to assess threat level accurately. When things feel scary, it can be hard to pinpoint whether or not that scary thing is in fact dangerous. As I wrote about in my previous piece, every parent hopes to give their child the best, better than they had, but for people who grew up in neglectful or abusive homes, giving their child better can feel like a matter of life or death. It can be hard for folks in this category to decipher between something that is in line with a “normal” parent-child struggle versus something to be concerned about.

It’s imperative that the parents that fall into this category socialize their parenting experience and get support from trusted sources. Whether it be with other parents, a therapist, or even online resources and books, it’s important to be in touch with other people who get it. I had a patient once tell me that they would listen to parenting podcasts, even ones with topics that were not so relevant to their child, simply because it was soothing to hear other parents call in who were struggling. There is something incredibly reassuring and neutralizing about hearing from other parents how hard it is to raise kids.

An Added Layer of Challenge

Assessing “threat”, in this case, whether or not something is “wrong” and needs addressing with a kid, is complex. Children are symbolic and show us through their behaviors and actions how they are doing and what they need. There is often some interpretation that is needed for a parent to understand what kids are trying to communicate to their grown ups. When a lot of feelings are being raised for a parent, it can add a complicating layer of emotion to sift through on the journey of attempting to attune to a child. 

It’s important to bring the feelings that surround one’s parenting experience to therapy not just for the sake of the kid but for the parent, as well. The feelings that are being raised are information about what historical experiences have not been tended to yet. There may be traumatic memories that are being raised that need to be revisited or healed. Parenting may also be putting into clearer focus for the parent what they did not have as a child and there may be some mourning that needs to take place. Sorting through these feelings can help a parent heal and help to separate out background noise, allowing the parent to refocus on their child and to feel more whole within themselves.

The Right Type of Feeling Bad 

It’s worth mentioning in the vein of normalization that not only do all parents feel lost at times, but all parents feel they make mistakes. Moments where you lose your temper or are too harsh (or even too easy) on your kid happens to all parents. It’s OK and even useful to feel bad about a misstep, as this can be internal motivation for change. If the feeling bad becomes overwhelming or laden with shame, this is more material to look at in one’s own therapy.

When you feel you have made a misstep or hurt your kid, simply acknowledge it to them. When you acknowledge what happened, it helps your child validate their own emotional experience and it grounds them. This helps kids learn that what they are noticing in their environment is real, which helps build them trust within themselves and strengthens their sense of self. Secondly, in the example of losing your temper, this is an opportunity to normalize that everyone has difficult emotions and to help your child experience repair. You are showing them that anger and conflict is not the end of the world. You are also building the relationship by empathizing with them and showing remorse and compassion for having hurt their feelings. 

Next week in my final piece in this series, I will expand further on how becoming a parent may highlight things to be mourned from one’s own childhood.