Israel and Palestine: Continuing to Live Life During a Traumatic Time

Since October 6th of last year, the violence first in Israel and persisting in Palestine has come up with each and every one of my patients. Regardless of whether or not they are directly impacted (for example, having some personal connection to Israel or Palestine), as members of the human race it is hard to find anyone who has not felt pain from this conflict.

Even though (and perhaps especially) this violence has been happening for many months, people continue to grapple with the question of how to locate themselves emotionally to the what has and continues to happen. It’s a struggle to balance staying connected and up to date with the conflict and violence while not becoming overwhelmed by feelings of anguish and powerlessness. There is no right way to feel but here are some guiding principles that I hold near and dear when I talk to patients about being in a moment where a large-scale trauma is happening.

Do Not Deny the Mess but Look for Any Deeper Meaning

The first thing that feels important with any trauma or upsetting situation is to not deny it or clean it up. It’s important to acknowledge what is real. One should be impacted when they hear or see images of people who have been displaced, seriously hurt, or killed. Being upset by images of war is not in itself a pathology. Additionally, the conflict has been profoundly polarizing and has unearthed a lot of hatred. Many people whose feet have not left U.S. soil have experienced this as a trauma.

Part of my role as therapist is to both hold the objective reality of what is upsetting alongside how my patient is processing it through their subjective lens. What precise feelings are coming up for them and how are they experiencing this? Is there anything familiar about the feelings that are arising that can be traced back to other formative experiences? 

There are so many themes that have come up for my patients as they witness this play out that easily hits some historical roots. For some people, the world on a good day feels like an unsafe place and this only confirms their worst fears. For others, there is a powerlessness and an inability to impact or help that feels familiar to their experience growing up. It’s important to follow these feelings to see if there is something deeper that is being hit on that needs to be attended to.

Connect With Others Who Can Be a Safe Space

The only thing worse than suffering is suffering in isolation. It lightens the burden to know that other people are being impacted in similar ways as us. It makes us feel less alone and offers some semblance of comfort to know that other people feel the same way. As I mentioned previously, one particularly painful characteristic of this conflict is that it has been very polarizing. Many people who have been more “out” with their beliefs have received painful feedback and even have lost relationships. 

Having a heterogenous community with various viewpoints is by and large a good thing. I don’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of Heathers! There can be inspiration and growth in being close to folks who are different. However, there is also benefit in identifying people in your life who you can be unfiltered with and create a space where you don’t have to worry about offending or hurting and where you can truly let go.

Find the Amount of Exposure That Is Right For You

Many patients talk to me about wanting to stay informed. It is a privilege of sorts to be able to choose what we are exposed to. If something does not affect us directly, we do have the option to not pay attention to it. I understand and share the values of these patients that want to stay connected to what is happening elsewhere in the world. However, how much news is too much news?

The first thing I explore with my patients is their motivation. Is there anything in addition to a desire to be updated that is causing them to check their phone? Is there guilt or fear? Is this an activity that is becoming compulsive and hard to control? As unpleasant as it feels, compulsive news feed checking can be a way to not sit with deeper feelings, such as helplessness and grief. Understanding what is at play is important in itself and can shed light on whether a change or shift is needed.

Compartmentalization is Not Necessarily a Bad Thing

I wrote last week about how defense mechanisms, like compartmentalization, can get an unfair rap. We need our defenses to remain intact during painful and traumatic times. Even after seeing images like children who have been very hurt or killed, we somehow have to put one foot in front of the other and carry on with our lives. We need some healthy compartmentalization in order to not be awash in our feelings to the extent we can no longer function. 

This is a frightening and uncertain time and I have no idea how this will play out. The destruction that has happened and the unknown of what is ahead is hard to bear. I had a very smart supervisor who used to say, “for it to be PTSD, the T has to be P”, by which they meant, the trauma needs to be in the past for it to even be PTSD. Currently, the T is still happening. As long as the T continues, we need to have compassion for ourselves and others and simply just do our best.